If You Want to Be Loved, Love: Uncovering the Ikigai in Relationships
“There is nothing more for humans to live life fully than IKIGAI. Therefore there is no cruelty greater than to deprive humans of their ikigai, and there is no greater love than to give humans their ikigai.”
Is there an interplay between love and Ikigai?
Can we learn to develop deep and lasting relationships with Ikigai?
What can the Japanese philosophy of finding meaning and value in our daily lives teach us about love?
Love, in its numerous forms and expressions, holds a profound resonance with Ikigai - the profound art of finding one's life purpose and living a life of value.
Mieko Kamiya her Love and Ikigai
At the heart of our exploration into the interconnected relationship between love and Ikigai is Mieko Kamiya, the pioneering figure in the study of this intricate philosophy. Kamiya, a Japanese psychologist and social worker, dedicated her life to serving those in need. Her life and work were deeply affected by personal loss and tragedy, most notably the early death of her first love, Mr. Kazuhiko Nomura, from tuberculosis.
Kazuhiko's death on 27 January 1934, when Mieko was only twenty, was one of the most decisive events of her life. His loss had a lasting impact, shaping her future in profound ways. The Canadian professor, Yozu Ota, the only biographer with access to Kamiya's personal diaries, notes her reflections on the influence of this loss in her life. In her shuki (diary) entry of 4 January 1960, she pondered:
“Why have I become the person that I am? Wasn’t my loss of Kazuhiko after all the cause of everything, rather than my innate character?”
This profound, unfulfilled love guided her to a deep understanding of human suffering and the power of resilience.
In the mid-20th century, Kamiya embarked on an exploration into the realm of Ikigai, forging the science of Ikigai psychology. Inspired by her personal loss and the resilient spirit of the leprosy patients she worked with, she focused her attention on understanding how individuals could unearth fulfillment and purpose in their lives, even in the face of adversity. In their resilience, she saw an echo of Viktor Frankl's logotherapy – the search for meaning amidst suffering. Kamiya declared, "There is nothing more for humans to live life fully than IKIGAI. Therefore there is no cruelty greater than to deprive humans of their Ikigai, and there is no greater love than to give humans their Ikigai.”
Kamiya's groundbreaking work, which she beautifully encapsulated in her writings, was influenced by her international studies in medicine and psychology. She once shared, "I was again absorbed in writing about Ikigai late into the night. As ideas bubbled within me, I played calm piano pieces for an hour, partly to put my children to sleep, partly to calm myself. What a moving experience it is to unify all my past experiences and my study with my writing into one whole."
Despite being somewhat forgotten in her homeland of Japan, Kamiya's contributions to our understanding of purpose and fulfillment continue to influence contemporary practitioners of Ikigai psychology and those in search of their own Ikigai. For these reasons, Mieko Kamiya remains an authentic heroine - a trailblazer of self-care and personal fulfillment who greatly enriched our comprehension of leading a meaningful and joyful life.
Love also serves as a potent motivator. It has the power to encourage us to chase our Ikigai, even in the face of formidable challenges. The strength and resilience gifted by love are invaluable in overcoming the obstacles on our path to Ikigai.
Ikigai inherently promotes a profound sense of connection - with other individuals, the world, and the wider universe. Love, being one of the deepest forms of connection we can experience, assists us in feeling more synchronized and aligned with our Ikigai.
Mieko Kamiya emphasizes a close relationship between Ikigai and self-actualization - the quest towards becoming the best version of ourselves. Love, especially self-love, is central to this journey. By fostering self-love and acceptance, we can more completely live our Ikigai.
“If you want to be loved, love.”
Taking to heart the wisdom enshrined in the Japanese proverb, "If you want to be loved, love," we recognize the essential role of love in uncovering and living our Ikigai. Love, in its many guises, has the power to light up our path in life, endowing it with greater meaning, purpose, and joy.
Ikigai, Love and our Wounds
“When we love, we get hurt.
This is not a hypothesis.
It is not a possibility.
It will happen to us if we open ourselves to others.
If we want to love, it is inevitable.”
Henri Nouwen, the late Dutch Catholic priest, theologian, and writer, has been an enduring source of inspiration for us, particularly when it comes to understanding the nature of love. Nouwen had a unique ability to touch the core of human existence, as he invariably wrote from his heart. This authenticity and depth are especially present in his seminal work, "The Wounded Healer," which beautifully captures his spiritual journey.
“This afternoon I wrote many postcards. While writing I experienced a deep love for all the friends I was writing to. My heart was full of gratitude and affection, and I wish I could embrace each of my friends and let them know how much they mean to me and how much I miss them.”
Here are some of his teachings on love and the concept of the "wounded healer".
Love and compassion: Nouwen had a deeply compassionate understanding of love. He believed that love is not about reciprocation but about self-giving. He wrote, "The question is not: How many people take you seriously? How much are you going to accomplish? Can you show some results? But: Are you in love? And is that love fruitful?" Love, to Nouwen, was about transformative power, grace, and the ability to make the world a better place.
The Wounded Healer refers to the idea that those who have been hurt in life are often those who are best at providing care and compassion to others going through similar experiences. Nouwen believed that our wounds, once acknowledged, understood, and accepted, can be sources of healing for ourselves and others. He emphasized the value of sharing one's personal experiences of suffering to relate to and comfort others in their own struggles. The idea of “The Wounded Healer” was initially coined by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung, who asserted that an analyst is driven to heal others precisely because they themselves are "wounded." Jung's theory may have roots in ancient Greek mythology, where Chiron, a wounded centaur, becomes a revered healer and teacher.
Nouwen suggested that a wounded healer is someone who can listen to and empathize with the pain of others because they have experienced their own pain. This concept aligns with the idea that our struggles can provide us with a unique perspective and understanding, which can in turn enable us to help others in a deeply empathetic way.
Love and the Wounded Healer: For Nouwen, the role of love in the idea of the wounded healer is significant. He believed that only by acknowledging and accepting our own wounds can we truly love others and help them heal. In other words, our own pain and healing process open our hearts to love more deeply and compassionately. We become capable of empathizing with others' struggles, not despite our wounds, but because of them.
In relation to Ikigai, the teachings of Henri Nouwen emphasize the importance of using our personal experiences and struggles as a means to find our purpose (Ikigai) and connect with others. It’s about transforming our wounds into sources of strength and inspiration, which resonates strongly with the Ikigai principle of self-realization and finding meaning even in difficult circumstances.
“Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.”
Kokoro – where heart and mind come together
Mieko Kamiya's life and work exemplify the archetype of the "wounded healer" in many ways. She experienced significant personal tragedy early in her life when she lost her first love, Nomura Kazuhiko, to tuberculosis. This personal wound had a profound impact on her, shaping her professional pursuits and her understanding of human pain and suffering.
“A human life is for the individual who lives it primarily a journey of his mind [kokoro].”
Kokoro: a complex Japanese term we can translate as "heart" and "spirit”.
Kokoro encompasses what a person thinks, feels, and wishes to express. It signifies the essence of our inner being, the core of our emotional and intellectual life.
Just as Kamiya saw life as a journey of the kokoro, so too does the exploration of love as proposed by Helen Fisher reflect this. The stages of love - lust, attraction, and attachment - are experiences of the kokoro, shaping and being shaped by the journey of our minds.
However, the profound thoughts, feelings, and inner realities that form our kokoro often remain invisible to outside observers. It's essential to remember, as highlighted by Professor Yozu Ota, that "The mind of an individual cannot be seen from outside." As such, previous biographies of Mieko Kamiya may have painted a picture of her life significantly different from the one she perceived herself.
This narrative emphasizes the profound impact of Kazuhiko’s death, an event that drastically altered the landscape of Mieko’s kokoro and deeply influenced her work on Ikigai.
By considering Mieko Kamiya's teachings and life experience, we hope to inspire you to explore your own kokoro and find your unique Ikigai.
Self-reflection
Here are some questions for you. You can listen to some original music by Michael Nickel and write expressively (“Journaling”) on these journaling prompts:
Defining Your Kokoro:
What words or images come to mind when you think about your kokoro?
What do you notice in terms of thoughts and feelings?
Are there any actions you want to take?
How does it shape your relationship with yourself and others?Ikigai and Your Kokoro:
Reflect on the seven dimensions of Ikigai as defined by Mieko Kamiya. Write them down in a list and journal on them.
How does each dimension resonate with your mind and spirit (kokoro)?Kokoro in Relationships:
Meditate and write about the significant relationships in your life.
Are there any patterns or shared values that emerge?The Wounded Healer:
Have there been times when you've felt like a "wounded healer", using your own experiences of pain to help others?
How did these moments impact your mind and spirit?
What does your heart and where does your spirit (kokoro) lead you?Integrating kokoro and ikigai in your daily life:
Can you set an an intention for the next days?
How can you nurture your awareness of the unity of mind, body and spirit on a daily basis?
What habits, exercises, practices (like meditation, contemplation and journaling) would support this?
What practices or activities help you connect more deeply with your inner self?
How can you use ikigai to develop a voice of self-kindness and habits of self-care for yourself?
